To let go of it, first grab hold of it…
Transformation occurs when our center of gravity shifts from unconsciously protecting the wound to consciously trusting new possibilities.
It's that time of year when you are perhaps setting intentions and wanting to cultivate some kind of transformation or shift in your life.
Moving toward the new and shedding the old is a process that requires first and foremost the willingness to move toward our present experience just as it is.
More often than not when we start this process, we become more aware of the discomfort that is present rather than the ease we are trying to cultivate.
The key here is that we have to really get to know the discomfort.
"In order to let go of it, you first must grab hold of it."
To move toward what you want more of, you have to first be very familiar with the old patterns and protections that are limiting you, because these are the markers of how you have gotten organized. They can't be simply bypassed or "released", as nice as that sounds.
Be it your anxiety, perfectionism, the way you keep yourself busy that over time just stresses you out, the impatience you feel with yourself or others, your challenge with boundaries, even certain chronic pain conditions, whatever your struggles are.
Get to know these struggles. When they arise, see if you can slow down and be present with what they feel like. If this is overwhelming or scary to do, the key is to cultivate enough of a sense of safety to visit the discomfort, which may require an attuned, compassionate other to witness and support you.
Why do this? Not because I want you to torture yourself (I promise), but because your mind undoubtedly will slip back into those old, deeply grooved neural pathways, even after you have worked SO HARD to change them.
As frustrating as that sounds, when it happens again, you will know where you are if you have allowed yourself to really familiarize yourself with the environment of these old patterns.
When you know where you are, you can take the agency to take a few steps toward where you are trying to go. Even if all you can muster in the moment is one tiny step, or even a glance in that direction.
In these painful, uncomfortable moments lies the potency for transformation, because we are right there with the rawness and vulnerability of our experience. It's in this terrain where the potential for the inner work to really happen is most alive.
Our brains like what is familiar, even if what is familiar is harmful, painful, and self-sabotaging. In truth, our brains are incredibly evolved to be efficient, and therefore are pretty damn lazy. So, when we find ourselves in the same old crappy place again, it's HERE where we can pause, breathe, and name what's happening.
What is less familiar, even if it's pleasant, is scary for the brain, and this is especially true for people who are sensitive and/or people who have a lot of trauma or relational wounding. For some of us, this is a much harsher truth to face. And if that is the case for you, it's so okay to ask for help. (Also, I feel you.)
You don't offer a feast to someone who is starving to death, but you may give them a few pieces of fruit or spoonfuls of rice so that they can digest the nourishment.
Our minds work in the same way when we are trying to cultivate some kind of change, or take in a missing nourishment.
While having a big, transformative experience may be a level of profundity that you desire, it's often mini-transformations with smaller, bite-sized nourishment that leads to a steady shift in our center of gravity.
Transformation occurs when you not only gain insight into what your unconscious core material is that's keeping you stuck in the old familiar patterns, but you also get a sense of what the missing nourishment is, and you have a felt experience of that nourishment.
Once you have a felt experience of nourishment, I encourage you to linger in that experience to give your system some time to adjust to the feeling of a potential new way of being.
This requires intentionally bringing your attention to that new possibility, over and over and over again WITHOUT bypassing your present experience.
This will evoke neuroplasticity, and support you to integrate this experience into your daily life while being inclusive of yourself just as you are, an imperfect human being, just like the rest of us.
It is possible to see yourself and the world through a new lens of truth and clarity.
Imagine looking back at the darkest valley you have walked through with the profound recognition that what once felt like an impossible liability is now a gift.
The level of suffering you have endured is equal to the level of wisdom, presence, and joy available to you now.
You can have a wholesome, confident sense of self. You can feel strong, grounded in your integrity, and unshakable in the sincerity of your heart.
You can carry your sensitivity with strength and confidence while in relationship with other people in your life, with your work, responsibilities, and play. You can allow this newfound sense of clarity, purpose, vitality, and ease carry you through the day.
Arriving at insight and clarity does not necessarily mean that you will not internally struggle again, or that you will be completely free from anxiety for the rest of your life.
But it does mean that you can bring loving awareness to your anxiety, protective parts, and old patterns when they arise, and then have choice and self-agency in how to respond.
When we can show up for ourselves with compassionate curiosity, we are no longer completely driven by our unconscious wounds, victim to our nervous system.
Rather, we can rediscover the inherent wholeness within us, and relate with ourselves and others in a new way by accepting ourselves just as we are.
PS. I think this story captures what I'm trying to say here...
Chapter I: I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II: I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III: I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV: I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V: I walk down another street.